I never thought I’d start writing in my LiveJournal again EVER, but here I am again. In case you’re reading this, and wondering why I go around talking shit about livejournals and how they are for people who complain and shit… maybe people need that outlet. But here’s the deal… any complaining, or negative thinking that’s gonna occur will happen in a private entry. So the venting stays in the vent. And I’m disabling commenting. You can probably guess why, I don’t need comments on my life. But I mean that in a positive way. I swear that is a good thing. Any stuff that I think the public would find interesting or thoughful will remain public. And just like before, if you don’t like, don’t read. I have to admit though, I don’t think anyone will care to read this. And I say that out of sheer honesty. And also in completely honesty, that’s completely irrelevant. The basis of this journal are MY thoughts and MY emotions.
It’s the first day of 2003 and I’m psyched. (uhh actually, it JUST became the second, my bad). I graduate this year. It’s the year that all us seniors have been waiting for. Last night, I stayed awake till about 6:30 am… which is pretty riddiculous considering I usually go to sleep around 10 on weekdays, 2 on weekends. Anyway, so of course I was exhausted today, and I slept for about two hours from 7-9… woke up and had a chinese dinner and then tried go to back to sleep. Guess what… NO GO. So I remain restless writing in my livejournal, which I haven’t written in for… let me check… June of 2002. That’s about half a year ago. It feels awkward, but I don’t care. I need to write. Otherwise I’m going to end up wordless, and I’m gonna go nuts if that happens. Eveybody needs a diary, so here is mine.
This break went by slowly. Christine’s been in Hawaii so that made things go by REALLY slowly. It was lonely without her. BUT I did go to her house everyday to feed her cats. It was nice being there, even if she wasn’t. I need to go to sleep or I’ll be dead in school tommorow. Now that I’m in college, does school matter? I’m really curious about that. I don’t think it should. And besides, my schedule is going to be GREAT next semester. And by the way, 2nd semester? You couldn’t be slower in arriving, my friend. 2 more weeks of first semester torture. But it’s all relative.
I think I’m going to try sleeping now. Here goes.
I showered twice today. I hardly do that, but it’s the best feeling when I do. I feel all double clean. It’s been a very drab new year so far, no sunshine at all… just rain and this really sick dizzy feeling. I suppose it’s from staying up all night (almost) on new years, but maybe it’s also from dislike of school.
I’m reading this book right now by Thich Nhat Hanh called The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching. It’s all about transforming your personal suffering into peace, joy, and liberation. I understand the concepts… it’s just really hard to apply them to daily life. Basically, I have to stop thinking so much, and analyzing stuff. Apparently, if I do that then I will lead a much happier life.
I figured I’d have it easy being back at school after the new year… the teacher’s woudln’t expect us to remember all the homework we had before break, I hoped. However, they remembered, and I forgot that I had a paper due in English tommorow. It’s on sonnet 73, so it’s not supposed to be that long, but I’m still really annoyed. I really really don’t want to write it. I’m terrible at writing essays, and Dr. Pohl always gives me the shittiest grades on the essays… like D’s. I’m getting the feeling that after my horrendous summer reading essay that she got this idea that I was a really bad writer and decided that every paper after that she’d give me a low grade. Or maybe I just don’t write well… 🙂 But I really do try! Never seems to work apparently.
And then I was absent in Creative Writing and didn’t hear about the 5 journals we had to write. I figure I’ll write a few things about the break and use them as the 5 entries. I’ll probably do that at the end of this email.
Drab Drab Drab….
I’m very very sick of this semester and I’m glad that it’s ending soon. I have a TWELVE day break. Sort of. Two of those days, I have exams. But they end early so it’s not a huge deal. AND DAMMIT, it was supposed to snow/ice tommorow but it’s not going to do that anymore. Just supposed to rain. I’m quite annoyed at that, but again TWELVE DAY BREAK. That’s like winter vacation all over again!! Without the people home from college and all. And then second semester will start and things will REALLY start to roll. Come to think of it, maybe I’ll just stick the two journal entries that I’ve written this year in my CW journal, and then scribble a couple more in school. I really have to write this essay… but I know I’m going to start it at like 9… delay some more and then eventually begin at like 10. It’s a very very tough essay to write because you have to analyze every little word, and it’s relevance to the theme of the poem, which of course is a paradox. The paradox is that even though things may die, death still represents a cycle, meaning that the dead things will eventually be replaced by living organisms once more, whether it’s new leaves on a tree or new people on the earth. Death does not mean a total absence of life… it’s a signal of upcoming life. Damn Shakespeare and his insight…
This record I’m listening to, is so indescribable. On one hand, there is so much distortion that I can’t really concentrate on the actual music. On the other hand, that makes it more fun. And the inner layer of music is absolutely gorgeous. The lead singer of MBV sings very well, without having the best voice in the entire world. I think the Bob Mould really ripped these guys off. He even used a lyric/melody from blown a wish on his song favorite things. It’s supposed to be one of the best indie rock albums ever created… I think Yo La Tengo is generally a better band when it comes to this sorta music… but maybe I haven’t been enlightened with MBV yet. It took a while for YLT… maybe it’ll happen again.
I really wanna go to the vaco show, but I’m too lazy to buy a ticket. That, and I’m feeling guilty about my parents having to pay so much money for me. BUT, the cool thing is that I got a credit card/atm card today. It works like a check and I can use it as a credit card at any place that accepts Visa. It’s pretty genius. Of course there’s no money in it. When I get paid though, I’m gonna make a deposit and then watch my money grow. Except it won’t grow at all. Even though my dad is convinced that it will.
Startin to feel the pangs of hunger. Dinner won’t be ready till Dad gets home, but who knows when that’s gonna be. OH and I forgot, it’s Thursday! That means a new Friends tonight. Great, even more distractions from my Sonnet 73 essay. I had to read that sonnet out loud in front of the entire class. Somehow, they all got it, she had no problem with the way that everyone else read it. Me, of course, she wanted full emotion and flow. Everyone else she settled for line breaks in their reading.
Come to think of it MBV is incredible. I heard a live MP3 of them a couple days ago and it was terrible. They tried to do the same hushed vocals live, except the vocals were WAY too soft, so it wasn’t even enjoyable.
I need to shave. Hard for people to believe, but I’ve JUST started having the need to shave everyday. That, and any sort of stubble at all looks really bad with long hair. I need to start waking up and meditating more. In the evening, I’m way too tired to meditate. I always end up almost falling asleep and then quitting. And that’s a horrible way to meditate.
Thank God for computers. If it wasn’t for computers, I’d still be on the first paragraph of this journal entry, and I woudln’t remember any of the thoughts that after that. I’m pretty happy with the fact that I can almost type as fast as I think. Almost. But then my fingers get tired. I don’t mind though, I ’m getting flow again and it’s really nice. I can finally write without feeling forced. It’s a GREAT feeling. If I had to log into LJ through the web, I’d probably never do it. This LJ program is the best way to go, I don’t even have to open my browser. I really dig it, and I’ve been looking for something like it for a while.
Well I think I’m going to go play Metroid for a bit. Perhaps I’ll write some more later on this entry.
Amazing! Dad actually was understanding when it came to me being stressed out. Mom is kinda being understanding too. Wow.
I finished my essay. Good lord. It’s almost 3 pages… I can’t believe I did that. Still leaves my creative writing journals to do, my math homework, and my theory work. I’m in college but I’m still floundering 🙁
The main cause of me doing my essay so late was the fact that Election was on TV and it really got me interested. A dark comedy, but it just reconfirmed the fact that Matthew Broderick is the man. Anyway, this essay’s a buncha BS, but I’m kinda happy I finished it. Now I can go to sleep and wake up happy. Hopefully she won’t check homework, although I know she will. I’m supposed to help tape something for period 1 internship… maybe I’ll get out of class, that’d be nice. But ya know what? Tommorow’s Friday!! Friday is the best day, I’ll get to see Covin before he leaves, and Saturday I get to see Christine….. that makes me hap hap happy. Well that’s it for now, I’m gonna go to sleep…